


Fires That I Can Spark

by MarsFlameSniper



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, F/F, Mildly Dubious Consent, Some end-game spoilers, The other P Thieves are there to various degrees, sex repulsed character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 15:56:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10925145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarsFlameSniper/pseuds/MarsFlameSniper
Summary: If love is as simple as ABC, why does Makoto always feel like she’s failing the class?





	Fires That I Can Spark

Love, relationships…they’re things Makoto has never truly found herself considering until she meets Haru.

She’d had fleeting thoughts of course. Yearnings. It was hard not to when she and her peers were at the age of really noticing that person you’d spent so many years being friends with. Or that one classmate who just seems to catch your eye in a new way. But much more than that has never really crossed her mind.

She’d like to hold hands with someone special, have someone to curl up with on a cold evening. Maybe even someone to kiss, though the notion makes her cheeks bloom red, but it’s not the be all and end all of her existence.

Haru makes her feel giddy. She’s startled by the warm rushes of feelings that accompany spending time with her fellow third-year, but soon starts to imagine that it’s Haru’s hand she’s holding. That it’s Haru she’s curled up with on a cold evening. She can’t bring herself to imagine kissing the other girl though. That seems too forward, even in her own mind, for someone she’s only really recently become friends with.

She doesn’t wonder how she never noticed Haru at school, given that she’s never actually shared a class with the other girl and that Makoto’s spent the last three years of her schooling firmly in ‘honour student’ mode.

There’d been so much that she’d never really noticed, and she’s once again thankful to Akira and the other Phantom Thieves for taking away her blinkers and helping her open her eyes to the world.

Dealing first with Shidou, and then with Yaldabaoth had let her truly know and understand her friends, see their struggles, their determination, and their courage. There are certain things that she knows will stick with her forever: the sight of Ryuji punching Akira square out of a fit of rage on the battlefield, and the other boy clapping him on the back for it. The exquisite scent of her revolver as she would lift it after a baton pass, gunmetal and fear mixed with camaraderie. The way Yusuke would frame the shadows in his fingers, human souls for a trained eye.

But it’s what comes after that she finds herself cherishing most.

Their impromptu road trip across the country to drop Akira back home was with the people she admired as much as she was exasperated by them.

Ann and Ryuji squabble like cats, but she sees when Ann slips a few yen into Ryuji’s hand at a little village corner shop so he can send a postcard to his mother. And when he later surprises Ann with sweets bought from the change.

At night, Akira lets Futaba rest her head in his lap when the younger girl has trouble sleeping (which is often), and he always let her stretch right across him when they were forced to sleep in their little van on the occasions they couldn’t make it to a town before nightfall.

Through it all, Haru is there. Lovely, gorgeous Haru, who wakes her early some mornings to watch the sunrise together. Haru, who always chooses to eat sponge cakes when they stop at cafes and nudges the strawberry onto her plate. Haru, who is always the first to spot when Makoto is starting to get groggy and stiff at the wheel of the van and suggest a stop in the road to take in the sights.

She’s likely added a more than a few days to their trip from wanting to stop and explore Japan’s forests, but Makoto is too pleased to walk with her to care.

It’s one such stop, not long after they reach Shiga (Yusuke had insisted that they visit Mt. Gozaisho), where Haru approaches Makoto as she’s trying to work the kinks out of her shoulders, and asks her if she’d like to see the scenery together.

They find themselves on a riverbank, sun glittering the waters and Makoto watches Haru’s fingers twist themselves in knots as she stammers out a confession, eyes daring everywhere but at Makoto’s.

She can’t help it. Makoto takes her hands in hers and gently untwists her fingers one by one. There’s a light feeling spreading through her body, and her toes curl along with her smile as she whispers “yes”.

“Oh…” Haru breathes, almost as if the possibility of a yes hadn’t occurred to her. Then she says it again with more firmness and Makoto can’t help but chuckle. She kisses the fingers in her grip, blushing as she does so.

 

* * *

Days continue wonderfully. They all keep in contact with Akira once he’s back home via video chats, he promises to come and visit Tokyo again as soon as he can. They each spend time out with Futaba, preparing the girl as best they can for the start of the school year. Her nerves are palpable, but undercut with excitement as well and each hope the new term will be a good one for her.

Haru is busy, juggling running her father’s empire with preparing for university herself (though she had set back her studies to a part-time degree in light of her situation), but she still finds time to surprise Makoto.

She brings flowers in the mornings, lies down with her on her bed in a lazy patch of sunlight, threading Love-In-Bloom through her hair and smiling at the way Makoto’s nose twitches from the pollen.

Makoto cooks her dinner and knows she’s getting better as delight blushes further across Haru’s face.

Things don’t change much at first once Makoto moves into university dorms, the rise and lull in activity of the rooms around her was almost similar to the how Sae would come and go from their apartment. In a way, it was almost comforting.

She only truly becomes aware of the difference in her living situation one night not long after classes begin. She’s up late reviewing the textbooks for her course when she hears a muffled thudding against the wall.

The boy in the room next door was polite, he and Makoto had exchanged a few smiles whenever they bumped into each other in the halls, and now she can hear rhythmic pounding against the wall separating them. The moaning of a girl. Grunting.

She squirms at her small desk and tries to focus on her books. Fails entirely as the girl grows louder with each passing moment. Her palms start to sweat and the words blur in front of her, mingled with the kind eyes of the boy next door.

The cries of pleasure grow desperate, and Makoto grabs her shoes and keys, all but falling out of the door to get away before she can hear any more. She makes it to a late night café down the street in a blind rush and collapses down at one of the tables, the sound ringing in her ears.

Sae had never brought anyone home, that she was aware of at least, and sex was something she’d never dwelled on. At all. She tries to picture Haru making the kind of sounds that the girl next door had made and feels so vulgar that she jolts painfully into the table as a waitress comes over to take her order.

She wonders how she’d even bring Haru to the point where she’d gasp like that, but finds herself mentally blanking out all the details, hoping it’s just naivety that has her feeling so squeamish at the thought of making love to her girlfriend.

The thoughts stew in her head for three days afterwards, the moans echoing in her ears during moment of distraction and when she next sees Haru again she’s such a nervous wreck that she can barely even bring herself to lace their fingers together as they sit.

Obviously, Haru notices, asks her if she’d done something to upset her, and Makoto blunders her way through an explanation that she was just tired and that classes have been stressing her out.

She doesn’t think that saying ‘the thought of having sex with you makes me feel scared and also kind of nauseous’ will go down well with the other girl, so she locks the feelings away behind her chest and focuses on the way that Haru brushes her lips against her own before she leaves.

 

* * *

  
Makoto does her best to put the idea of that level of intimacy out of her head as days go by, and though she mostly succeeds, there’s a niggle at the back of her mind that never really leaves, prickling in her thoughts in the dark of night. Haru is kind and patient with her, and has her own concerns. It’s bliss to lose herself in the way her girlfriend would gently stroke her fingers trough her hair as they dozed off together. She visits Haru at home more than a few times, and she’s happy to see that the other girl isn’t letting herself be weighed down with the expectations of the company directors, or the other adults in her life who had worked with and around her father.

Classes are stimulating and she makes time to meet with her friends often (Ann and Ryuji more often once it comes time to make initial university selections). By all accounts, things are well.

Until they’re not.

She and Haru visit the park together on a rare day off for them both, they dress light. She in a blouse and skirt, and Haru in a floral sun dress that Makoto loves. They spend hours so lost in each other that they completely miss the grey clouds roll over them until the first few drops of rain fall.

By the time they’ve rushed back to Makoto’s dorms, they’re soaked through, dripping breathlessly all over the carpets. She rushes to find towels once they’re inside, finally turning to face her girlfriend only to see a peculiar look on her face.

Her cheeks are dusted red, and her eyes flicker intensely across Makoto’s form, who is clueless until she glances down and realises why dark underwear and a light blouse had been a mistake. Clumsily, she thrusts a towel in Haru’s direction, but instead of taking it, she instead takes Makoto’s wrist in a light grip and breathes out, slowly.

“Mako-chan…”

Practically hearing her heat beating in double time, Makoto says nothing, lets herself be pulled closer, watches Haru watch her as the buttons on her blouse are slowly undone, the garment pushed gently down her shoulders.

Makoto shivers in the cool air and feels utterly stupid as Haru’s gaze turns expectant.

Her hands shake as she puts them on Haru’s waist and for a second all that passes through her mind is how loud things will get and _ohgodihopetheboynextdoordoesn’thear_ before Haru’s hands are on top of her own, guiding the sodden dress up and over her frame until she’s stood there in just her bra and panties.

The sight paralyzes Makoto, and she hopes wildly that Haru will reconsider, or that this was some kind of joke, but then she’s stepping even closer and Makoto feels like she’s on the drop before a rollercoaster she doesn’t even remember getting on in the first place. Gently, she’s pushed into a sitting position on the bed (when had that gotten there?) and Haru straddles her, eyes dark with lust. Realizing she had to do _something,_ Makoto places a hand on Haru’s chest, tensing in surprise as Haru let out a small moan.

For a brief moment, Makoto’s mind jumps forwards, to the inevitable conclusion to this position. Just as Haru’s knee moves slowly forward to press on her thighs. Her shock at the motion causes her to start violently, hands pushing back at Haru’s shoulders before she registers that she’s doing it.

“Stop, stop, stop,” she stammers, “I-I can’t. Haru I-“

And the confusion undercut with hurt that spreads across Haru’s face, even as she climbs down from her lap, is enough to send feelings of worthlessness bursting through her

_can’t even do this for your girlfriend. so useless._

even as she tries to spit out an apology.

 I’m sorry Haru-chan, i-it’s late and I’m a little tired, so can we…some other time?”

And Haru nods, dresses herself again in the soaked dress and leaves graciously. But the downcast look in her eyes, even as she smiled and pecked Makoto on the cheek as she said goodbye, is enough to keep Makoto awake long after midnight.

Haru is reluctant after that, Makoto notices. She’s never cold, and Makoto doesn’t think that the other girl is angry at her, but she’s less free with her touches, almost as if she’s scared Makoto will push her away again. Makoto sees the way Haru’s hands pause slightly before she lays them across Makoto’s. Or the way her hugs become brief, tense.

She decides she has no one but herself to blame, but doesn’t know how to break that to Haru. To stop this hesitance.

Not that it matters, because Haru turns up at her dorm a week later with puffy eyes and stained cheeks, almost instantly launching herself at Makoto and babbling out apology after apology.

“Mako-chan, I-I…! I’m sorry, for what I did to upset you, so please!”

She ushers Haru in before prying eyes and ears are drawn to the scene and sits her down gently, already understanding exactly where Haru had taken her rejection to.

“Please don’t cry Haru.”

But the other girl continues to sob, and Makoto hardly knows how to handle this. Her girlfriend is crying loudly for something that wasn’t even her fault, and Makoto feels as though she’s sunk uselessly low.

Clumsily, she wraps the other girl in her arms, softly shushing her until the sobs stop wracking through her body. She stops Haru’s attempts to talk and instead reiterates that she’d done nothing wrong.

“But when you pushed me away like that…I thought I’d really upset you. You reacted so suddenly.”

Absolute vileness rushes through Makoto at that. How low she is, to put Haru though that…for a bit of discomfort? She wants to hide away and never come out.

She stamps down on anything that could be interpreted as discomfort, reassuring Haru that she really had just been tired, and that she hadn’t meant to react so roughly. She punctuates this with a kiss to Haru’s temple that he swears makes the other girl’s eye twinkle, if only for a second.

She doesn’t shudder, later on that day, when she thinks of the sensation of pressure Haru’s knee had caused that day. Doesn’t shudder, and feels a rush of awful pride.

 

* * *

 

The next few months are thankfully consumed with work, for both of them. Makoto’s classes demand more attention as first term assignment deadlines are set, and Haru has several low-level meetings to oversee as a form of training.

Intimacy isn’t brought up again, which Makoto is beyond grateful for, though the sensation of living on borrowed time slips over her some days, undermining her focus entirely.

It isn’t until summer that she gets a break and it comes in the form of a phone call from Ann one warm afternoon.

“You weren’t busy were you Makoto-senpai? Only, we’ve got some pretty good news! For you and Haru, if she’s there?”

“She’s not Ann, but I can still pass on a message?”

She could practically hear the grin through her phone, and she had a hunch as to what was up, but kept quiet.

“Akira-kun just called Ryuji, said that Boss had agreed to let him visit and stay over at Leblanc for a couple of weeks! Soooo, we’re thinking, since we’ve all pretty much got time off, we could like, do something? You know, hang out and catch up. Maybe take a small trip somewhere in Tokyo too?”

“That sounds like a great idea Ann-chan, I’d love to and I’m sure Haru will as well once I tell her.”

She was ecstatic at the news in fact, saying that there was so much to catch up on and not just with Akira. College and work had kept them both fairly irregular at meetups.

Makoto called Sae, who was more than happy for her to stay over for the duration, as long as she didn’t mind how dusty her bedroom had gotten.

“Being a defence lawyer gives me about as much time as working at the SID did I’m afraid, so I don’t always clean around the apartment as much as I should.”

Laughing, Makoto told her she didn’t mind one bit, as long as Sae didn’t mind Haru also staying over, which her sister had no objections to.

Being back in Shibuya was refreshing, to say the least, and left Makoto with an odd homesickness, despite only having been away for a short while.

“But you’ve spent your whole life in Shibuya,” Haru told her one evening, after Makoto confided the oddity with her, “it’s only natural you’d start to miss it.”

But even better than being back, was seeing her friends, seeing Akira again. Despite it not being that long since he’d gone home, Makoto swore he’d grown taller in the meantime, and told him as such. He brushed it off with a smile and she found it hard to believe she’d only known him a year, when it often felt like they’d been friends all their lives.

Their days were rowdy and exhilarating, and they often headed out to Dome Town or Inokashira park when the weather was warm.

It was after one such day in the park that Makoto and Haru returned to the apartment, both blissfully drowsy after spending the day in the sun. Haru clung to Makoto’s arm as they made their way to her old room, and from the quiet that greeted them, it seemed Sae was still out.

“What a lovely day,” Haru sighed happily, stumbling forward to flop onto the bed, “isn’t this just like old times Mako-chan?”

“Better,” Makoto agreed, settling down beside her, “since there’s no need to worry about Palace deadlines and the like this time around.”

Haru murmured her agreement, snuggling into her. Her hand stroked up and down her side lazily, and Makoto wondered if it would be alright to have a quick nap before dinner.

A finger prodding her waist halted that train of thought, and she glanced down to see Haru with her eyes closed, but a small grin on her face.

Smirking, she ghosted her finger across the other girl’s nose, her reward came as Haru’s face scrunched up at the sensation.

“Mako-chan you’re such a child.” She said, prodding Makoto’s stomach.

“Me?” she replied, “you started this?”

She retaliated with a swift poke to Haru’s ribs, and before she knew it, a full blown tickle war had started, the two girls shrieked with laughter as they rolled around on the bed. With Haru eventually pinning a squirming Makoto down for a poking attack.

“Okay! Okay! I give up!” Makoto cried, unable to withstand the assault any longer

Haru smiled in triumph.  “Victory!”

And she punctuated this with a kiss to Makoto’s forehead.

Wriggling her fingers, Makoto waited for Haru to unpin her wrists, and grew quiet when the other girl made no move to get off.

“Um…Haru-chan?”

But Haru said nothing, lowering herself ever so slightly down, until Makoto could see the desire written all over her face.

_Oh._

All at once, panic overcame her knowing exactly what Haru wanted in this moment, but not knowing how to respond. Her mirth all but vanished. An urge to push Haru off rose within her, as she became acutely aware of how close the other girl’s waist had gotten to her own, but she shoved it down, quaking. The last thing she wanted was to show Haru another rejection.

She searched her girlfriend’s face, looking for any sign this was a ruse, and that Haru would instead resume her tickling attack. But all signs of humour were long gone, and Makoto slowly felt as though she were suffocating.

“Mako-chan, I’d like to…be together with you. If you want to. Is that alright?”

She wanted to say no. No it wasn’t alright, because just the sensation of a hand anywhere near her chest, or god forbid anywhere else that intimate, made her feel absolutely sick to her stomach. Like there were worms crawling under her skin.

She wanted to say no because the thought of feeling like that with Haru, her wonderfully kind and loving girlfriend, terrified her. Because what the hell was wrong with her? Sex was supposed to be loving and warm and the most wonderful thing, wasn’t it? So why couldn’t she feel like that?

She wanted to say no, but dreaded the look of hurt she’d see on Haru’s face. Dreaded the awfulness she’d feel, doing such a thing to the girl she loved.

So instead, she carried on pushing it all away. Pushed her fears and revulsion down, down until she could jus about ignore them, took a deep breath and smiled.

“It’s okay.”

 

* * *

 

The little bell above the door to LeBlanc jingled as Makoto stumbled through the door. The intense smells of the morning brews usually brought her comfort, but they served only to tighten her gut today.

Waving weakly at Sojiro, she took a seat at the counter, smiling as Futaba popped her head up from where she was slumped face down and looked around blearily.

“Morning Makoto-senpai.”

“Late night?” Makoto said after a moment.

Sojiro snorted, placing a cup before each of them, which Makoto nodded her thanks for.

“Those two spent all night playing games from what I can tell. Akira’s still upstairs asleep if you wanted to see him.”

Did she? She didn’t know. Honestly, her feet had taken her to LeBlanc on autopilot after Haru had left. The air in her room was too stifling, smelled too much like…

“No, I didn’t,” she answered finally, taking a small sip of the coffee.

Futaba struggled to sit up, her eyes had rings around them but her smile as she sipped from her own cup told Makoto that it had been a night well spent.

The quiet was broken as Sojiro switched on the small television on the wall, flipping over to a news channel as he did so.

To a report of the state of Okamura foods.

She stared, unseeing as pictures of Haru’s father, the main distribution factory in Tokyo, and lastly pictures of Haru herself were shown. She watched as a recording of her girlfriend departing from what was presumably a meeting was shown, and just seeing the other girl brought back a rush of unwanted memories.

“Senpai?”

She turned to face the younger girl.

“Are you okay? You look…kinda green.”

In lieu of an answer, Makoto jerked from her seat and dashed to the toilets, heaving up the coffee and small amount she’d eaten already, barely making it in time. Bitterness flooded her mouth as her body continued to convulse. Just thinking about Haru…the way she’d used her fingers…her tongue. She shook, coughing up into the bowl. Tears streaked down her face, mixed with the saliva from her mouth and once finished she curled up miserably on the floor.

A banging at the door brought her back to her senses for a moment.

“You alright in there kid?”

She weakly stood, cracking open the door. Sojiro’s face sagged with concern, and she could see Futaba behind him, equally worried.

“H-hey, don’t cry.” He reached into his pocket and took out a handkerchief, which she took gratefully and covered her eyes with, scrubbing at the tears as he led her out and back to her seat.

A glass of cold water was placed in front of her.

“You okay? Not coming down with something are you?”

She thought hard about the question. No, she really wasn’t okay. But actually saying that? And to Sojiro and Futaba? It felt weak, somehow.

“Is everything alright between you and Haru?” Futaba asked.

Another question she couldn’t really answer.

Her silence was apparently starting to trouble the pair, so she mustered up a smile that didn’t really feel all that big, for the effort it took.

“I’m fine.”

That earned her a snort from Futaba and a sigh from Soujiro.

“So it is relationship troubles then is it?” He sighed, “You kids…alright, spit it out, what’s up?”

Unable to discern how he’d figured it out from that, Makoto tried to backpedal the conversation.

“What? No, no! Everything’s fine between me and Haru! Absolutely no issues there!”

He shot her a doubtful look and Makoto slumped further in her chair, suddenly very tired. Tired of feeling so awkward in her own skin, of feeling drained whenever the topic of intimacy came up, tired of feeling like she wasn’t doing enough for Haru.

Maybe it would just be easier to bite the bullet, for once.

“Is…” she started, finally, fidgeting “is sex supposed to feel nice?”

Whatever Soujiro had apparently been expecting, this probably wasn’t it, and Makoto dropped her head into her arms as the older man began to splutter.

“W-what the…? I mean, well-“

“Forget I asked.” Makoto mumbled back, but Sojiro was not to be deterred.

“Nuh uh, you asked. Just took me by surprise is all. Guess you’re not all really ‘kids’ despite what I say.” He glanced at Futaba, “Most of you anyway.”

Sighing, he waited for her to pick her head up and look him in the eye.

“First time not go so well?”

She shook her head, not wanting to reflect badly on Haru. She was sure she’d been very gentle, but it had all felt so wrong.

“Well, first times are usually painful-“ he continued, but Makoto shook her head.

“It didn’t hurt, it just felt…bad. Uncomfortable. It made me feel sick, honestly.”

“Huh.”

He seemed stumped, like this was completely beyond what he was expecting.

“I guess it can feel a little odd, but what you’re saying sounds worse than that.”

“But why did it feel like that? People say sex is supposed to be really good right? So why do I not like it? Is it something about me? Am I sick?”

Sojiro seemed ready to respond to that, but Futaba cut across him.

“Sounds like you’re just Ace to me.”

The unfamiliar term stopped both of them, and they turned to where she sat, tapping at her phone.

With a grin, she angled the screen towards Makoto, it seemed to be some kind of encyclopaedia page.

“Just ignore the stuff about plants, that’s not relevant. But what it basically means is that if you’re Asexual, you don’t really feel much sexual attraction? Some people even feel kind of disgusted by it.”

Eyes darting down the page, Makoto took in what Futaba said numbly. More people felt like this? A lot more? The page used a lot of confusing terms, and apparently there was a sort of spectrum that she was rather curious about. But the more she read, the more things made sense, in an odd way.

It described people in loving relationships who nevertheless had no feelings of sexual desire towards their partners. It was dizzying. It was _her_.

“Futaba,” she said at last, standing abruptly, “can you send me a link to this? I need to show Haru, like, now.”

And without waiting for a response, she dashed from LeBlanc and out into Yongen.

She actually made it as far as boarding a train to Shibuya before realising that a) Haru was most likely not at the apartment, and b) it would perhaps be better to read the page more fully before she went babbling to her girlfriend and risk hurting her feelings before she understood this all fully.

So she hopped off a few stops earlier than she intended to and found a café where she could sit in peace and digest this new information.

 

* * *

 

Digesting took much longer than Makoto anticipated it would, and it wasn’t until a text from Sae came through, asking her whereabouts, that she even registered how late it was.

Quickly replying that she was on her way back, she paid, thankful that she hadn’t been kicked out for only buying two cups of tea.

Her head was spinning from all she’d taken in, and she still barely knew where to start with it all. The spectrum she’d noticed actually described sexual attraction as something fluid for people, with Asexuality having its own nuances. She was fairly sure she wouldn’t feel attraction under any circumstances, so most of it, like demisexuality, she felt confident enough to rule out. It still felt odd though.

The stuff about being sex repulsed was curious too, but it made sense. No one thing was universally enjoyable, she supposed, and intimacy was no different. It just so happened that she was firmly for ‘do not like’. Even just thinking about it now sent cold chills up her spine.

She just hoped she’d be able to explain this all coherently to Haru, and that she’d take it well.

Once she reached the apartment, she apologized to her sister for being out so late with no warning, to which her sister smiled.

“You’re almost an adult now Makoto, so it’s not like I’ll give you a curfew. Just remember to stay safe and let someone know when you’ll be back late, okay?”

“Okay sis. Is Haru here?”

“Mm, she is. She’s been worried too; she tried to call you in fact. Twice.”

Confused, Makoto glanced again at her phone, and the log did indeed show two missed calls from her girlfriend. Great, she’d been far more distracted than she’d realized to miss those. Which meant she wouldn’t be in Haru’s good books right now.

Thanking her sister, she made for her bedroom, bracing herself as she tentatively pushed open the door.

“Where have you been?”

She didn’t even have time to react as Haru dashed forwards, yanking the door the rest of the way and locking her in a vise-hug. She wasn’t crying, which was good, but she wasn’t happy either.

“Uh…”

“The only reason I’m not angrier right now is entirely due to your sister persuading me to hear you out. She said you’re usually very careful unless something’s on your mind.”

She wasn’t wrong there.

Leading Haru back inside as best she could when the other girl seemed unwilling to let her go, she attempted to explain.

“I went to LeBlanc this morning. Futaba and Sojiro gave me some…advice, I suppose? I’ve had a lot to think about.”

Finally relinquishing her grip, Haru gazed up at her curiously.

“Like what?”

Taking Haru’s hand, she pulled her down to sit with her on the floor, keeping her eyes on the other girl’s face.

“I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and feelings lately…about a lot of things. They helped me to make sense of it all.”

“Feelings about what?” Haru asked, a note of concern in her voice

“About me, sort of. And the way I feel with you.”

Haru’s shoulders slumped at that, almost as if she were resigned to something.

“With me?”

“Yes. When…when we’re intimate with each other.”

She didn’t miss the glimmer that had appeared in Haru’s eyes, but the other girl spoke before she could continue.

“…I don’t make you happy. Do I?”

“No, it’s not that-“ Makoto tried to object, but Haru continued on.

“I’ve been wondering, since that time you pushed me away, what it was that I’d done. But I couldn’t think of anything, and then I realised that if it wasn’t anything I’d done. It must just be me that doesn’t make you happy.”

Trying desperately to pull the conversation back from the wrong turn Haru had taken it down, Makoto tried to interject

“No, look. You make me happy Haru-chan, you really do. It’s just certain things-“

But the expression of sadness that passed over her face even as Makoto said those words made her sigh in exasperation at her own ineloquence.

“Not like you’re thinking Haru-chan. Can I just…here, it’ll be easier if I show you.”

And so saying, she yanked her phone out and opened up the link that Futaba had sent her, pushing the phone towards the confused girl opposite her.

“What’s this?” she asked, her eyes already drawn to the words on the screen, and Makoto let her read.

The silence stretched over the room, Haru taking her time with the information. Occasionally, she would glance quickly between the phone and Makoto, as if she was piecing something together.

Finally she handed the device back, brow dipped in thought.

“Are you saying, this applies to you, Mako-chan?”

She nodded. “Some of it.”

“Which parts?”

“The bits about not being interested in sex. At all. And about being repulsed by it.”

Haru seemed to draw a conclusion from this.

“So when you say, ‘certain things’, that’s what you mean? But wait…” She paused, thinking. “Last night…we did things. Are you saying that you went along with it, even though you didn’t really want to? That you were lying when you said it was alright?”

Averting her eyes, Makoto mumbled an agreement.

“Oh _Mako-chan…_ ”

There was a rustling, and Makoto turned just in time to be enveloped by her girlfriend once again.

“I’m a little upset that you lied…but I think that’s my fault too. I completely overreacted when you pushed me away…and I never really stopped, did I? Were you worried I’d become upset if you said no?”

Makoto didn’t answer, but Haru seemed to take the silence as an affirmation anyway, squeezing tighter.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry we did those things when you didn’t really want to.”

“You’re not mad? Or upset because I don’t like it?” Makoto finally choked out surprised to find tear stains forming on Haru’s cardigan.

“Of course I’m not,” she said.

“I’m sorry I lied,” Makoto continued, “I just didn’t want to ruin things. I love you so much Haru-chan. I didn’t want to lose you”

“And I love you too, you silly girl.” Haru said, and Makoto could feel kisses being peppered into her hair, “so next time, please tell me when something bothers you? And we’ll work it out from there? I know you hate being thought of as a burden Makoto, but I’m your girlfriend, I want to take care of you.”

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

“And as for sex…if it isn’t something you enjoy, then I’m not interested in it. I only want to if you’d like it.”

Just hearing her say the words, words of understanding, Makoto felt clearer, somehow. As though she’d dropped a burden she wasn’t aware she’d picked up. It was something she was barely even aware she’d been seeking, and yet…it was.

“Thank you.”

With a final squeeze Haru let her go and pulled her up, using her thumbs to brush away the few tears that remained in the process.

“Don’t thank me yet. You realize that with you gone, Sae had to cook dinner? We’ll both be dead by morning you know.”

Laughing, Makoto squeezed the hand of the girl she loved and let herself be led to certain doom.


End file.
